


trained myself to give up on the past

by Cecile



Series: goodbye to the love of my life [2]
Category: Sorted (Website) RPF
Genre: (but spoiler alert: Mike isn't cheating, Angst, Break Up, James just makes assumptions), James thinks Mike is cheating, M/M, Post-Break Up, perceived infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 05:14:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30050433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cecile/pseuds/Cecile
Summary: The day James met Mike for the first time, James thought to himself "I never want to hurt this person."
Relationships: James Currie/Mike Huttlestone
Series: goodbye to the love of my life [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2210655
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	trained myself to give up on the past

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "I Wanna Get Better" by Bleachers, which I've been obsessed with recently.
> 
> I typed the bulk of this in bed on my phone into my Notes app between 4 and 6.30 AM when I couldn't sleep last night. I just got the idea in my head and then I couldn't stop writing.
> 
> Also, there are obviously some inconsistencies between this fic and part one of the series - so read between the lines to know what actually happened!

The day James met Mike for the first time, James thought to himself "I never want to hurt this person."

So he never made a move on Mike, even though he was the most handsome man in London, and the sweetest, most genuinely nice person. Even when he found himself falling in love with him more and more. Mike became his best friend. He loved spending time with him, but that also meant that he could never quite relax around him when he was drunk. What if he had a beer or a shot too many, and kissed Mike, or asked him out? And Mike would obviously not be into it, and then it would be all awkward and they would drift apart. Better not risk it.

Problem was, Mike was always so flirty and knew how to use it to his advantage and get James to do what he wanted. The first time he realized what was happening, James had freaked out, afraid Mike knew of his crush. But then he realized that Mike was flirty with everyone. James wasn't special. He just did it to James more because he was easy, and he didn't tease back.

What James loved and hated was the voice-over narrative Mike had imagined between him and Janice. Because with the voice-over, James could imagine that he and Mike had really gone out to dinner together, with lovely cocktails and a fondle in the Uber home, but it was also incredibly clear how much of a joke a scenario like that was to Mike.

But he asked Mike about it one day, and... somehow got a kiss on the lips for it? He was so taken aback by it that he didn't know what to say. Best moment of his life, by far. But James hadn't responded and even when Mike left, James was still just sitting there, awkwardly leaning against Mike's desk, not knowing what to do.

That kiss had been fantastic. And it hadn't even been on purpose. He could tell it was supposed to be a quick peck on the cheek, but man, those had been some fireworks. He'd had worse kisses during orgasms. There had been something in Mike's eye afterwards that made it feel like he was scrambling to get away, even though he’d looked very cool and collected.

For the first time he thought Mike might actually be interested in him like that, too.

So he decided to screw it and take a shot. Mike had made it awkward earlier that day, so James used the cheesiest line in the book ('You didn't let me finish'. Who says that and then goes in for a kiss?) But somehow it had worked. He'd been right. Mike really was interested in him like that.  
James loved Mike, and Mike reciprocated his feelings.

He wanted to shout it from the rooftops. He was absolutely ready to go into work the next day and tell the others because they'd all known about his crush on Mike for years. They'd be just as ecstatic as he was. They would tease, no doubt, but then congratulate them.

Mike suggested they wait a little bit before telling them, have a few dates to themselves, and that was a brilliant idea. James surprisingly loved to sneak around and give Mike a peck on the lips in the studio when the others weren’t looking. It always made Mike turn the most beautiful shade of red and splutter out words that were barely coherent.

He never did end up getting his moment of telling the group, but they did know eventually. How could they not, with him and Mike relentlessly teasing each other, and Mike sometimes using such sexually charged innuendos that James was tempted to write a letter to HR against himself.

They went on cute little double dates with James's friends and went hiking on weekends, visiting trails that James could imagine himself dragging Mike back to in a year's time with an engagement ring in his pocket and his heart in his throat.

~~

"James, you're single, right? Would you consider cooking dinner with a Tinder date for a video?", Jamie asked him five months in, and James realized that they had never actually told them. That the others didn't know he and Mike were together.

And realized they weren't actually overly romantic in the office. Or anywhere really, where people would see.

They ran into plenty of people they knew on their dates, and it was fine when Mike only introduced him as 'This is James', and not as 'This is my boyfriend, James’. Because people didn't need to know their business, alright?

Except he wanted people to know. But he also knew that a lot of people were uncomfortable with sharing their private lives when they were already in the public eye so much. Mike was so loving, and always holding his hand when introducing James (it felt so much like saying 'I don't own a phone' to someone while visibly texting in front of them that it made James grin like an idiot the first time James made that connection).

They visited James's parents frequently and Mike wasn't shy of offering them his help around the house. His mum quickly started calling him 'love', and when he once overheard his father call him 'son', James had to excuse himself to the bathroom to dry his eyes.

It wasn't until his mum asked Mike how Mrs. Huttlestone was doing after a surgery that James realized he'd never actually met Mike's parents. He'd seen plenty of pictures of them and heard so many stories that he'd assumed he had, but no. Mike had always made the trip alone, allowing James more time with recipe labs.

~~

On Monday, Mike had spent the third night within a week at James's flat, but still not left any clean clothes there, rather changing into his spare filming outfit once they got to the studio. It was an old graphic tee, yellow with washed out writing on it, and he looked stunning in it. Mike winked at James when he came out of the bathroom, and it dawned in him: Mike wasn't nearly as invested in this relationship as James was.

James had been here, calling his mum on the phone to tell her he'd kissed his crush for the first time and that they were now boyfriends, planning recipes with gross ingredients just to tease Mike, and  
picking out engagement spots three months into their relationship, while Mike was treating this like a casual thing. Like a 'we're just trying things out, let's see where this takes us before we commit to anything'.

James's heart ached at that realization. He'd been such a fool. The other guys didn't know they were a couple because Mike didn't want them to know, and was actively hiding it from them.

"How come I've never met your parents?", he asked Mike that night while they were watching a movie.

"You haven't? I thought you have", Mike said, thumb drawing circles on James's wrist between them. "Do you want to come and visit them this week-end?"

James wanted to, so badly. He needed this validation. Even if Mike's parents ended up hating him, at least he'd met them. And knew a little bit more about Mike's life. But he'd screwed up a lot of recipes lately that he needed to correct, and the deadline for their most recent cookbook was looming over him. He'd made steadfast plans with Barry this weekend to test recipes and shoot pictures for it. So instead of 'I can't wait', he said “I can't, I have to do some recipe labs this weekend”.

Mike gave him an odd look, but they both knew the pressure of the cookbooks well, and they made out not half an hour later. But something changed between them after that.

~~

Their relationship grew tense and James didn't know why. Mike went to visit his parents by himself over the weekend, which was odd considering it had been a last minute suggestion just to appease James, so he didn't know why Mike went through with it alone when James couldn't come.

He tried to put it out of his mind by getting lost in the labs, and made idle chit chat with Barry. But he texted Mike a photo of every single dish.

' _Cheese soup with cheddar röstis. It tastes so good; would you hate me if I made this every day?_ '

' _This wasn't supposed to have peanut butter in it, but I was thinking of you when I made it, so now the recipe name will forever be Chocolate cake for Mike_ '

' _this is kind of like the apple pie your mum sometimes makes, right? At least from what you've told me. Tell her I said hi, btw_ '

But no answer.

At six PM, James texted him 'I miss you, haven't heard from you all day :( Are you okay?'

But five minutes later, he wished he could take the message back, because Barry yelled out: "The bastard! Mike, the villain, is at home getting drunk in a pub, while we're stuck here at work!"

Mike's parents didn't seem like the people to go to the pub on a Saturday night, James thought, but when Barry showed him the photo Mike had sent, James's stomach dropped.

A selfie in a badly lit corner of a pub, a good-looking guy sitting in the booth across from him, with a half-finished dinner, three pints and a candle in between them. Mike's cheeks were flushed.

James knew what was going on. Mike was on a date.

One that was going very well, judging by the other guy's swollen lips.

Of course it was.

They'd never said they were exclusive. James hadn't thought you'd need that conversation when you were over 25.

This really had just been casual for Mike. James was just a warm body to provide intimacy and an apartment that was slightly closer to work than his own.

Barry and James finished their workday soon after that. When he got home, James texted a last-ditch 'how was your day, love?' to Mike and kept obsessing over it so much that he ended up turning off his phone and going straight to sleep.

But there was no response by the time he turned it back on the next morning.

Or throughout the day.

Not a single text from Mike. He tried not to be devastated, just pushed himself harder. One notoriously hard recipe even worked out brilliantly on the first go and turned out so well he posted a photo of it onto Instagram straight away. But then he messed up on one of Ben's easy no-hassle recipes. They hadn't planned for that and didn't have enough ingredients to try again, so they called it a day then.

When James got home, there still wasn't any news from Mike. He'd be on the train now where he’d have bad reception. It wasn't until he checked his social media that he realized that Mike had posted an Instagram story earlier this morning.

He clicked on it immediately, desperate to hear what Mike had wanted to share with thousands of followers but not with James.

"I am currently at home visiting my parents, and they told me about this new bakery that's opened up, where the people line up before it opens just to buy their raisin bread bunnies. They even had to limit it to one per customer to make sure there's enough for everyone" he was explaining in his gravelly morning voice as he panned over a closed bakery and a long queue starting at its door. "Also, don't mind my voice, I didn't get much sleep last night, so now I'm very tired. Oh God, I look bad. Will update when I've acquired the bun."

Out on a date last night and didn't get much sleep. James felt like screaming but didn't want to scare his neighbor. So he cried instead.

James had been such a fool.

~~

He didn't fall asleep for a long time, tears mixed with anger keeping him awake. But he felt surprisingly rested the next morning. Because he woke up with clarity. He knew what he was going to do.

He would break up with Mike.

It would be hard for James, but he needed to save himself the pain of being strung along until Mike eventually broke up with him.

He avoided him as much as possible during work. Luckily, this wasn't a filming day so he at least didn't have to play up what wasn't there anymore for a camera.

After work, he took Mike to a pub. One that neither of them particularly liked or disliked, and close to the studio.

He took one long look at Mike, and then said it. "We should break up."

"Why?"

Yes, why, James? "Because we want different things from this relationship."

Mike stared at his beer. Nothing else left to say between them. That’s how important this relationship had been to him.

As he left, James couldn't stop himself from giving Mike a last kiss on the cheek. A last surreptitious chance to breathe in the scent that was Mike.

Then he was out of there.

~~

He'd felt so good in the morning when he'd decided to break up. So why didn’t he feel elated now? Now Mike didn’t have to worry about people finding out about them anymore and was free to date anyone he wanted to. Well, apparently, he’d already felt free to do just that.

Mike didn’t come into work the next day, Ben said he was out sick. James wanted to ask how he was and bring him some soup because he knew Mike frequently caught a cold when he took the train to his parents’ home. But he felt like that was a weird thing to do for your ex-boyfriend, and really desperate.

Mike looked awful the day after, and when he caught James’s eyes he looked so vulnerable that James couldn’t help but avoid his gaze. He overheard a conversation between him and Barry, about choosing promo pictures for the cookbook. “Did you have a chance to look at the files I sent you over the weekend?”, Barry asked.

“I didn’t get anything, sorry”, James heard Mike reply. “The reception at my parents’ house is still really finicky. I wonder if the council will ever do something about it, they’ve been promising to for years.”

“Oh, yeah I forgot about that”, Barry noted. “I’ll resend them to you now. How was your date with Jacob?”

James’ breath stocked. _Jacob_. That must have been the guy from Mike’s picture.

“Pretty good.” James’s only reprieve was that at least Mike didn’t sound enthusiastic about it. “He’s getting married in April.”

James couldn’t bear to listen any further, instead searching for Ben to drown out his thoughts with opinions on whatever food was currently trending, and found him making preparations for the Ultimate Battle that was scheduled for the afternoon. James had completely forgotten about that, and that he was needed for the banter.

He carefully positioned himself next to Ben’s side by the fridge and gave comments to the camera whenever appropriate, but his heart wasn’t truly in it. He couldn’t see Mike’s face from where he was standing, only his back.

“Mike’s not doing too bad today”, he said.

Ben agreed. “He’s definitely a lot calmer than usual, I’ll give you that.”

He _was_ , and it was weird.

He didn’t realize he’d even left Ben’s side until he found himself standing in front of Mike’s workstation and asking: “Are you alright?”

Mike wasn’t even looking at him when he pressed out a “Fine”.

It was understandable given their circumstance, but James’s heart still ached.

And yet, he couldn’t force himself to return to Ben, instead watching Mike methodically follow his recipe. Normally, he was in a state of panic by this point, but his mind seemed to be somewhere else and that was helping him.

When Mike threw to whole cloves of garlic into his saucepan, James saw his opportunity to help. “Oh, you need to chop the garlic before-“

But Mike only answered “I know” and pushed up his sleeves.

“I’m only trying to help”, James defended himself, looking around for a pair of tongs or a spatula. But Mike was already digging around in the pot and picking out the cloves with his fingers. He yelled out and stuffed a finger in his mouth, before plunging it in their washing-up water instead.

Mike was hurt. James was about ready to run through the studio to grab the first aid kit. “Shit, are you okay?”, he asked. He knew he sounded desperate, but he needed to know that Mike was, at least physically, okay.

But all he got back was an angry “Fuck. Off. James!”

~~

James had been the one to break up with Mike, and he knew that Mike had been annoyed by it, but it still really hurt. James still really cared about his friend. Having to unlearn _love_ for his best friend was such a hard thing, especially when they were still working together, and on camera together.

As he was developing a recipe for a chef versus chef video in the test kitchen a few weeks later, he overheard another conversation between Mike and Barry as they were making final adjustments on the cookbook.

“Why is this called _Chocolate Cake for Mike_?”, Mike asked, and James’s hands stilled. He’d reviewed that recipe countless times, and not been able to change the name.

“’Cause it’s got peanut butter in it”, Barry supplied.

“It’s not supposed to. The brief didn’t say peanut butter. Why is there peanut butter in it?”

“I don’t know… Oh, when James prepared it for the photo shoot, he said it could take some peanut butter and that you would love it”, Barry remembered.

“He did?” James barely heard Mike.

“Yeah. It was that weekend you were visiting your parents. I guess he was missing you, he was talking about you all weekend. It was kinda cute, actually.” May Barry burn in hell for having such good memory. Mike didn’t need to know about that.

 _Chocolate Cake for Mike_ had been a time when the world had still kind of been okay.

Mike’s “Oh” was so soft, so sad, that James momentarily thought he’d missed something. But then there was a shift, and a sudden steel in his voice. “He has to change it.”

“You’ll have to ask James that”, Barry said.

And with that, Mike came storming into the test kitchen and shoved the mock-up for the recipe in question onto the counter where James was cooking. “Can we change the name for this recipe?”

James pretended like he didn’t already know what Mike was talking about, but after a short deliberation, he said “no.”

And he wouldn’t budge on that. He wanted his relationship with Mike cemented somewhere in Sorted. As proof that it had actually happened, and not just been in James’s head.

“Come on, James.” Mike’s voice wasn’t steely anymore, but bitter. Desperate. “Please.”

He felt like such an asshole when he said: “I’m not changing the name, Mike.”

Mike stood there for a second or two more, his eyes brimming with hurt. Why was he so adamant about changing the name? Did he really want to stick to the brief just for the hell of it, so he’d have more things to hold over James? His muttered “Fine” was almost inaudible as he rushed out of the test kitchen and out of the door.

And… oh.

This wasn’t because James hadn’t stuck to the brief.

Mike was behaving like this because… he was lovesick.

Because he hadn’t cheated on James. Because James had named a dish after him and then broken up with him out of nowhere, all in the span of a weekend.

James realized that he had broken the vow he’d made to himself when they first met. He’d hurt Mike after all.


End file.
